My Weblog

What were you doing in 1990? Please comment asap.

Seriously Steven Segal? Is this true? He's a sheriff in a LA parish for 20 years and no one knew? Where's the Nat'l Enquirer? Is TMZ not syndicated in LA? Must you not travel out of the continent, let alone the parish? Hello Hotel California? Segal = Zen. How did that happen? In 1990 I was a junior in H.S. with long gorgeous hair and a cute body. It was lifetimes ago! So... He's been a sherrif that long and no one knew? I'm sure he's put out a movie since then? Is he that "C" list? It was just reported to me that he sings lead and plays the ax in a blue's band ironically named, Steven Segal.

My glass is ALWAYS half full!

The other day I had the opportunity to catch Dr. Oz's show. He was doing a segment on "your REAL age". I was immediately interested as I know I could be a poster child for instant gratification and making bad choices as far as my health is concerned. One of my BFF's was with me. We got online and got busy! Lots of questions you'd expect, do you smoke, drink, exercise, eat fruits/veggies, blah, blah, blah. Then the questions, in the last year have you: separated from spouse, been unemployed, moved, changed jobs, came up. Yes, yes, yes, and yes. I hit enter to get my REAL age and wasn't very surprised when it said, "48!" I'm 37. I was very amused and thought, I'd better turn the Aztec ruins back into the Mayan temple if I want to scold my kids for drinking in high school. Really, the thought of covering my neck when I cough sounds like hell too. Once I started thinking about it, it dawned on me. Isn't 50 the new 30? Shit! I'm WAY ahead of the game!

Ice ice baby!

Some people say when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I too have a saying, when rain that turns instantly into ice falls on your town, make a chardonnay spritzer! Seriously? I can deal with snow up to my armpits but rain when it's below freezing? Thank God and baby Jesus for my sewing machine and a liquor store up the street. My sister likes to look on the bright side, she said that we'll just end up losing all our power and all man kind will want to kill themselves (not exact words, but basically). I'm just going to keep my "spirits" high and sew aprons for my friends. I also have three books I need to get through and oh ya, I should probably relish my alone time and wrap a gift or two.

Phi Beta Kappa

This week at school my class was working on a multicultural lesson. We were discussing the stories we've read as a group and deciding which culture they would belong to. We were moving right along until we got to some circus story we'd read. In the story one of the characters had a huge scar on her face which made her so self-conscious, she didn't want to leave the house. When I asked which culture the story belonged to, one of my students replied, "Handicapped." I asked why, already know the crappy, rude answer I was about to receive. She surprised my by saying, "Did you see what they wore?!" I responded the only way I could/should have..... "A+! Bravo! You're done till Christmas!" Rest assured to everyone who is terrified about our youth running the country someday.

SWF in Omaha - Don't be ridiculous though...

If there is one endearing thing I can say about a couple kids in my class.... they're working for me. I'm not looking, but they are. For a new Mr. Vickery. We had a fire drill and one of the girls told me she thought some of the firemen would be perfect for me.(Seriously? Bad hours, stupid pension, potential meat head, state educated. Am I interested? SURE! For about a month.)

Later in the day we had buddy time with some corporate America guys that volunteer for a mentoring program at our school. The kids were asking if they were married or if they had any kids. ( Really? Striving for middle management, bad suits, structured vacation time, MAYBE a Ford Taurus company car?  Probably dreams of a life in the suburbs, sick.)

If I could sing a song from Urban Cowboy, "Lookin' For Love in All the Wrong Places....." Yoo Hoo kids! Momma likes a car sent for her at the airport. Spa days set up preferably at the Four Seasons but I'll take the Ritz as a backup. Flying first class to London, weekends in Hawaii. A Christmas full of Burberry or diamonds. Flowers sent when you suck. Tiffany boxes out of the blue, robins' egg that is.  

Although they mean well, they're asking all the wrong questions. So sad, they don't know me at all.

Yo yo! What up?

You know you teach in the hood when....

Your classroom shakes at pickup from the bass.  BTW It's referred to as 'bumpin'.

No one abides by seatbelt/carseat laws.

Everyone is on free breakfast/lunch and someone has the nerve to pull up in a new BMW.

Kids ask to use the bathroom with, "I gotta use it."

They respond to comments with, "Don't make me!......" (Hand in back slap stance)

The words mines ("That's MINES!) and aks (I's gottsa aks you a question) are acceptable.

No one has the internet at home.

Everyone has an adult sense of humor and an imagination.

You love your job and would adopt any kid in your class at any moment.

You know what "ashy" skin and a "dirty kitchen" are.

Last week I was gone a day and had a sub. When I got back I was aksin' the kids about the sub and they told me how someone aksed her if she was pregnant. She wasn't. One of the girls in my class howled, "OOOOOOOOOOO, that GOTTA hurt!" Needless to say, I cried laughing.

They tell me everything. They teach me everything. Now I've just got to get them to pass all the stupid, "No Child Left Behind" tests.

Have a blessed day.

It's good to be back home

Last week I read an email that was a huge blow to my ego. It took me exactly a week to get over it. I suspected it would take two, however, my callus exterior is thicker than even I thought it was. This is unfortunate for many people who are in my life right now, or in my line of fire I should say. I have a lot to say and may be all over the board, bear with me. I was feeling so sorry for myself it was painful to even live with myself. Thank God I have two jobs to keep my mind busy. My double shift that I worked yesterday officially pulled me out of my unhealthy head and back into my even unhealthier head where I usually live. I got to know some of my co-workers better and discovered that I wasn't the only functioning alcoholic at work. One girl told me she on occasion goes home and drinks a bottle of wine after work. My first response, "Who doesn't?" My second, "Hi new best friend. (Til I find something wrong with you.)"

If there's one thing you should know about me, it's that I love books about people with crappy lives. I don't know why. I loved Angela's Ashes. Laughed until I cried at some points. Loved reading about the Lost Boys of Sudan. I'm not saying my heart doesn't go out to the peeps, I'm just saying, I like it. I put off reading The Road because I thought it'd be too much for me. Shit. I read it in a couple days. I loved it. It's basically about a man and his son who are in a living hell with no escape. Just like me, except I have two daughters and shoes. Here's what I love. Men who have sons and love this book because they picture themselves and their son as the characters. Give me a f-ing break. I'd last in Hell longer than any of these men who consider changing a light bulb, home improvement. I have a bigger set of balls than most if not all men I know. The way I know I'm smarter than these men is that I would put a bullet in my kids' head and then my own at our first hunger pang. I just love the unrealistic world some people live in. It's fuel for my fire baby! I know what hell is like, I lived on cheap beer while on camping trips in college.

What really helped bring me out of my funk was finding my soul mate. My friend's sis has a blog and it's the funniest shit I've read in a while. I get her. If she had a cult, I'd join it. If she told me to drink her Kool-Aid, I would. www.lizinla.typepad.com. Reading her blogs about her g'pas funeral brought back warm memories of my dad's funeral where I delivered the eulogy. Brilliant I might add. How many eulogies begin with, "Two guys walk into a bar..."? Probably not many but more should. Aren't we celebrating the persons life and not necessarily morning their death? Believe me, every time I read Justin's shitmydadsays twitter I laugh and think of fond memories with my dad, Dirty Harry, affectionately known as DH (Dick Head) to my sisters and I.

Lastly, back to my classroom. I have one little fella who is naughty, right in my face and then denies it. I finally had to tell him to take his skirt off and man up to his actions. I told him I'd have more respect for him if he admitted his wrong doings and accepted the punishment instead of denying the claims in a little girl's voice. Good advice for a 10 year old boy, don't you think?

The rest of my class for some reason think that mine can at times have an "s" on the end. For example, "That's mines!" I hung up a big sign with the word "Mines" on it with the "s" crossed out. Every time we catch someone saying the word I told my class it's totally acceptable to bang on your desk, scream, and point to the sign. 

The moral of the story is... no one is safe.

Now I have to go to Wal Mart with my store credit and look down on all the other shoppers. Where else in America is it acceptable to shop with cheap chardonnay in your coffee mug with your kids?

I'm Like Mary Poppins.... or somethin'

Yesterday I had the pleasure of working my second job. Well, one kid went a little bizerk-o and put his head through the wall, amongst other things.... While one staff member was taking him to the hospital to get his head examined (if you know what I mean), another staff member and I decided to load up the state vans and bring the other kids to the park. On our way to the park the van is thumpin', the kids and I are bumpin', just chillin' like villans on the way to the park yo. Some unfortunate little lady ran a stop sign and SMACK! T-boned us. Thank God she was normal and didn't run and had insurance, a modern day miracle for the neighborhood we were in. She felt horrible. I told her, "It's ok, no one got hurt, we could have been a day care van, or a church group." She responded, "Ya, or I could have hit a van of orphans." I touched my tongue to my top lip and replyed, "Well, you kind of did."

White

 

I know a lot about a lot of things. If there's one thing I REALLY know about, it's about being white. One of my BFF's gave me Stuff White People Like by Christian Lander, for my birthday and if I don't identify with some of the stuff, I have a friend who does. It's brilliant. I won't say these are any of my favorites necessarily but examples that I get a kick out of:

Not having a T.V.

Manhattan (and now Brooklyn, too!)

David Sedaris

Being an expert on your culture (see above)

Diversity

The idea of soccer

Bad memories of high school

Red hair

Having black friends

St. Patrick's Day

Eating outside

Expensive strollers

Not having cash

Books

Integrity

Pretending to be a Canadian when traveling abroad (I in fact had a Canadian flag on my backpack while traveling Western Europe in college.)

Following their dreams

Dave Chappelle

There's even a quiz at the end and a type of Mad Lib fill in the blank part too.

Justin time!

Just when I think the world is getting vanilla, IT TOTALLY REDEEMS ITSELF! Dude, do yourself a favor and go to the Twitter site, Shit My Dad Says. Seriously, just enjoy. I could have had his site when my dad was alive, as well as now hosting: shitmymomsays and shitmyexsaid/says. I can't believe I didn't think of it.